Feelings Kept Hidden
by aries03
Summary: Sam's reflections of herself. UPDATE. Old story. I re-read it tonight and decided to add a second chapter, after all, depicted Jack's viewpoint of the day Sam had just experienced.
1. Chapter 1

I can feel the tears starting to form in my eyes, but I ball my fists even tighter. They must be bone white by now, but I refuse to cry in front of everybody. Practically running, I leave the room and find my way to my Indian out in the lot. Speeding away is the only thing I can think of at the moment.

He doesn't know what he does to me. He doesn't know how much his opinion can bore down to the depths of my mind, festering. And why should he? He's my commanding officer. I shouldn't care so much about what he thinks of me, at least not quite to this depth.

It doesn't help that I feel like such an outsider, a disappointment. Don't get me wrong. I know that I am a valued member of the base. My knowledge of the stargate is tremendous, but that's all I'm even thought of as. Nobody takes the time to really know me, understand me. Sure, the guys have me over the "team nights," and we have a lot of fun, but I'm always just one of the guys. The colonel and Teal'c see me as the soldier, the rough around the edges, doesn't put up with anyone's shit, type of girl. Daniel sees me as the scientist, the person he can share his love of new technology and interesting artifacts with. Nobody knows the person who takes a bubble bath after every single mission because I never quite feel clean after being exposed to foreign germs. Nobody knows the me that loves to read romance novels late at night as a replacement to actually dating. Nobody knows the me that loves to sit out on my patio at night, watching the stars, and drinking a margarita. Nobody knows and nobody ever asks.

I cannot reach my front door fast enough. As soon as the door slams shut behind me, the tears are already flowing down my cheeks. Usually, I don't even make it this far. Usually, the tears start to well up as I'm flying down the road at top speed, but today, I am in the mood to be especially private. I am in the mood to lock my feelings deep down inside of me for nobody else to ever see because today is one of those days in which I am thinking thoughts that I shouldn't be.

I am a good girl. I have always been one to follow all the rules, the one more likely to become a teacher's pet than serve detention. That is why the military was always my friend, so concise, so straight and narrow. Now, I feel so disappointed in my self, like I have just failed everyone I ever knew, and completely let them down. That's the problem with being tagged the good girl, you always have to live up to that reputation. It makes you feel like every single mistake you make is a complete and utter failure. That is why I strive so hard for perfection. I cannot stand to let people down, especially when that person is Colonel Jack O'Neill. Ugh, I should not be thinking those thoughts! Stop it!

Tonight is one of those nights where that margarita tastes like a million bucks. It is so much easier to get myself lost gazing up at the heavens then getting myself lost in my own thoughts. Sometimes, as contradictory to my reputation as this is, it is better to just not think. Sometimes, it's better to live in oblivion than to face the cold reality of it all.

I do not hear them approaching from around the side of the house at first. I am too lost in the fore-mentioned oblivion. I know why they are here. They are here because of my little blow-up today on base. They are figuring that they should be the good team members that they unquestionably are and should attempt to cheer me up. I put on fake smile. They don't need to know what has been going through my mind lately. Sure, I could let them in on my secrets, could open myself up to someone other than myself for once, but tonight is not that night.

No, tonight, I am the Major Samantha that they know and love, and that's the way it should be.

THE END.


	2. Chapter 2

I know that she is mad at me, but for the heavens, I cannot figure out why. All I had said was that I didn't think her newest idea was going to be such a good one. I mean, I trust that woman day in and day out with my life. She can watch my six any day, but there's got to be a point where I stop being her friend and act like her commanding officer. I watched as she clenched her fists tight, and I know that she thinks I don't see tears forming in her eyes. I respect her way too damn much to call her on it. Her and I, we're a lot alike in those matters...some days, our pride is all it seems we have left...so I let her run out.

Well, there didn't seem to be much point in sticking around after that. I retreat home, to my safe haven and my worst enemy. The home should be everyone's safe haven. It's not shocking that I would say that, I suppose, but the worst enemy part, yeah, that might be a little out of the ordinary. There are some nights when the silence becomes deafening. Now, don't be getting me wrong, here. Usually, I like the peace and quiet, but there are some nights, especially after an extremely difficult mission, where I wouldn't mind some company. Those are the nights that I desperately miss Charlie and Sara. Those are the nights I cannot forgive _or _forget.

Tonight, though, I'm only thinking about Carter. It's been happening more and more lately, and I can't seem to stop it. However, with that, comes the realization that with frat regs not-withstanding, that woman probably wouldn't be able to tolerate a relationship with me. She's so damn smart all of the time, so much smarter than me. She's so beautiful, too. She doesn't think so, I know, but she is. I also know that she thinks she hides the more feminine parts of her personality when she's on base, and she does a damn fine job of that, but there are some things that shine through. I can hear it in her school-girlish giggle or see it in the gleam of her eyes. She has that damn smile that can light up the whole freakin' room, too. Me, I'm just the seasoned Colonel.

Unquestionably, I have decided that tonight would be an excellent night for beer and stargazing. There is nothing comparing to losing one's own thoughts in the complexity of the galaxy. I know, ironic. However, just as I'm about to walk out the back door, the phone rings. Disappointment and dread fill my very being as I imagine the base calling for some emergency or another. However, its Daniel. Laying witness to Carter's condition as she ran off the base, he has decided that it would be a good night for a team get-together...some mumbo-jumbo about the need for team bonding or whatever. Yeah, sure. Tonight was turning out to be one of those nights when the loneliness was going to be maddening anyways.

She's out on her back porch when we arrive, and I don't think she heard us approaching. She is gazing up at the stars, just as I had been planning on doing, holding what appeared to be a strawberry margarita in her hands. The other two, they might not have noticed, but I couldn't help but catch the slight glimpse of sadness in her face. There was nothing I would have wanted more than to brush her cheek, make her smile.

However, tonight, I must be the group leader. I must remain the Colonel O'Neill that they know and leave my weaknesses behind. I really don't have a choice, and that's the way it should be.


End file.
